My Cuts Run Deep
by LuvsUrStory
Summary: I just want to make sure you all know how grateful I am towards you, and that I love you Mello. I really do. And I want you to find someone to share your life with and be happy. I know what I'm doing is right, because everything will be better off this way. MxM
1. Cherry on Top

**-A/N-**

**Alright. This is going to be a quick 'about me' or whatever. You can skip to the story if you want. I used to have an account called LovesYourStory, but I forgot the fake email I made for it. There is a few chapters of one story I was writing on there, but I'm out of that phase... And I'm happy about it. My updates will not be scheduled because I'm super Type B and very unmotivated. The more reviews I get, the more motivated I will be. The end.**

**-A/N-**

***All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive.***

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

* * *

I took a long drag on my cigarette and sighed as the drug calmed me. Today was a bad day. School usually sucks, but today was my birthday so Anthony made an effort to give me more shit than normal. I moved my goggles to rub my eyes.

_One year older! Man you must be so happy to be alive right now! I know I am!_

I shook my head and tried to focus on killing the virus on my computer.

_You must be so happy to be alive right now!_

Tears stung my eyes again, but I fought them back. I brought the cigarette back to my mouth with shaky hands._ "No...I'm not happy,"_ I stuck the bud of my cigarette in the overflowing ashtray and reached for another, _"I'm not happy at all."_

My attention was grabbed by my phone buzzing. Thinking it was another 'Happy Birthday!' I ignored it. I didn't need anymore of those. It buzzed again. I narrowed my eyes and lit my new cigarette, leaving it it my mouth as I focused back on my computer. It vibrated four more times before I grabbed it to throw it across the room, but I stopped when I saw who had texted me.

_Mello:_

_You feeling ok?_

_Mello:_

_You were quieter than usual today._

_Mello:_

_You usually aren't bothered by your birthday this much._

_Mello:_

_Anthony wasn't bothering you today was he?_

_Mello:_

_Matt, if you don't stop ignoring me I'll come over and make you talk._

_Mello:_

_Fine then. I'll see you in 10._

That message was sent six minutes ago. I groaned and considered climbing out my window when he got here. Three stories wasn't that high up anyway. Besides, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. I exited out of the program I was working on and went into by bathroom to clean up my wrist. Mello didn't know about me cutting and he doesn't ever have to know, because he will lose it if he ever finds out.

I pulled out a rag and ran it under the faucet while I stashed my razor below the sink. The warm water stung as it mixed with the small drops of red and I swore softly as an older cut reopened. _"I'll need to bandage this one."_ I groaned again as my head started to hurt. This was going to be a very long night.

My bedroom door opened just as I pulled my shirt sleeve down over my wrist, hiding the evidence. Mello walked into the room and crossed his arms, clearly irritated at this point. I just stood there avoiding direct eye contact and shuffling from foot to foot awkwardly. We didn't do anything for quite some time before Mello finally spoke up.

"Matt."

"I'm fine Mello," I mumbled as I moved to sit on my bed, "I'm just tired." He shot me a skeptical look and sat down beside me.

"Bullshit. You're never this bad on your birthday. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"No you're not. Stop lying." Mello crossed his arms again and, to make his point, he glanced at the pile of ash on my desk. He was right, I never smoke this much unless I'm upset. It was quiet again, neither of us willing to start the inevitable conversation about 'why I was down this time'.

Mello sighed and his eyes turned from irritated to sympathetic, "You know you can talk to me Matt. I'm just worried." I felt myself beginning to crack as his words echoed in my head for a second. The tears were threatening to spill again, but I didn't want to cry. Not in front of Mello. He didn't need to see that I was that bad.

"I-I'm fine. I just had a bad day is all." Mello shifted closer to me and put a hand on my back. I started to shake.

"Anthony started saying shit again didn't he? God Matt, why didn't you come get me? I told you-"

"I didn't want you to get in another fight." Mello paused and closed his eyes.

"I don't care. If it shuts him up for a few days, it's worth the suspension. You don't deserve that shit."

_You must be so happy to be alive right now!_

I couldn't hold back the tears this time. It was like the wall I had spent all day trying to build just collapsed and everything came out. Mello said something, but I didn't register anything except my face being buried in his shoulder and his arms wrapping around my back. It was almost funny how different he was when we were alone. I was sure he would only do something like this for me. If anyone asked, he would deny it.

"Hey now," his voice dragged me back into reality, "let it out." So I did. I told him the same thing I always tell him on my birthday; about how my parents shouldn't have had to go out that night, how I shouldn't have been sick and I shouldn't have spilled all the medicine. I tell him about how I should've been in the car with them.

_One year older! Man you must be so happy to be alive right now! I know I am!_

I removed my goggles and wiped my eyes again, Mello gazing at me with concern. I never cried in front of him, so I was probably freaking him out.

_17 years old Matt! Wow. You doing anything special for your birthday? I hear the Drug Store is having a 'Buy one get one Free' special tonight, just in case you get sick again._

"It'll be ok, Matty. You'll feel better in the morning." I looked up at Mello and gave him a weak smile, at which he grinned and clapped me on the back. Things turned less depressing after that. Mello and I just sat in my room and joked around for a while before we put a movie on. I don't remember falling asleep, but I do remember not have any nightmares.

Cherry on top, if you ask me.

* * *

I woke up with a monster headache. The sun was glaring at me through my window, which was weird seeing as my black curtains are never even open._ "Mello, I'm going to kill you."_ The smell of eggs drifted its way into my room telling me that the blonde pest was in my kitchen._ "Great. He's cooking. This never ends well."_

I stumbled into the kitchen and narrowed my eyes. It looked exactly as I expected it to: wrecked. Dishes were piled in the sink, there was egg on the floor and smeared on Mello's shirt, somehow flour was spilt all over the counter, and the garbage was full of, what looked like, failed attempts at making scrambled eggs. Typical 'Cooking with Mello' experience.

"Well this is a great way to wake up." Mello jumped and nearly slipped on the floor, almost dropping the plate of something in the process. I couldn't help but grin at my best friend.

"Shut up," he mumbled," at least I tried." He glanced down at his mystery food in disgust for a second, then dumped it in the garbage with a sheepish smile. "How about I clean up and you go get us something from that coffee shop?"

I nodded, still grinning, and patted his head. He growled and picked up a roll of paper towels. "Take your time. This is going to take a while." His glare turned menacing and I decided that my time to leave was now. Dealing with Mello when he was in a bad mood was was like trying to give a grizzly bear a hug.

"It better look spotless," I called over my shoulder before I shut the door. My smile faded a few seconds after that, reality hitting me as soon as I was left alone. The dull pain rose in my chest and my eyes stung briefly. At least it wasn't as bad as it was yesterday. The cold October breeze hit me and I shivered, reminding me what I was out here to do.

I pulled out a cigarette and stuffed my hands in my pockets before I started to trek towards the coffee shop on the corner. It was cold out, winter was almost here. As I walked, my mind began to wander. I started to think about yesterday, about what Anthony had said and how I let myself break in front of Mello. My jaw clenched and my anger rose. I shouldn't act that weak in front of him. Dammit.

I don't even know why he cares so much. I'm quiet, I spend more time playing video games than anything else, I have really bad habits, I'm depressed all the time, and I have a hard time expressing my gratitude for things people do for me. I'm not the best friend. But Mello, he does all this and more. And a lot of it is for me. I shook my head and walked into the coffee shop.

It was an old little building run by this sweet elderly couple. All the paint on the outside had faded and you couldn't even read the sign. The only reason they were in business anymore is because everything they make here is godly. The smell of coffee and cinnamon hit me hard and my stomach growled in response.

A sweet chuckle sounded from the counter, "Someone's hungry today! Will you be having the usual Matt?" The old lady, Ruth, began sticking two cinnamon rolls in a bag and started preparing two cups of coffee, humming to herself. I gratefully took the bag and the coffee, and paid. She smiled and wished me a nice day. My heart clenched painfully in my chest, but I put on a fake smile and waved before leaving.

_Have a nice day, Honey!_

I walked back outside, chugging my coffee and discarding the cup in a nearby trash can. She used to say that everyday to both my dad and me whenever we left for school and work. Tears stung my eyes for the hundredth time in the last two days and I snapped. I turned down an alleyway and punched the wall. _"Why can't I just forget? Why is it bothering me so much? God dammit!"_

After a while of raging silently, I sat down. My hand hurt, but I didn't register the pain. I was too distracted by the ache in my chest, throbbing along with my heartbeat, reminding me that I was still alive .

_One year older! Man you must be so happy to be alive right now! I know I am! 17 years old Matt! Wow. You doing anything special for your birthday? I hear the Drug Store is having a 'Buy one get one Free' special tonight, just in case you get sick again._

"Hey," a gruff voice sounded beside me, "You look like you could use some of this." He held out a bag of weed. I thought for a second about Mello, waiting for me to come home while cleaning the mess he made in my kitchen. Then I thought about how bad I was hurting and pulled out my wallet.

I'm not the best friend.

* * *

I don't know how much time had passed, but eventually Mello came looking for me. He found me leaning up against a dumpster with the guy I had bought my fix from, stoned off my ass, and nursing a beer. He was not amused.

I honestly don't remember much of what happened. I remember feeling very cold and feeling happy when I saw him. I said something and he said something and I said something, then he picked me up and started walking me home. This happened more often than not, but I never remember crucial things like conversation or who I was with. Mello always got weird after he finds me like this. I have a feeling it had to do with some of the stuff I say and do. The stuff I can't remember.

When we got home, he had set me on the couch and walked off to get me a blanket. This is where things go blank. I remember him wrapping the blanket around me and smiling when I started to talk about how soft it was. I remember the look he gave me, like I was some adorable puppy, and I knew he wasn't going to be mad until I sobered up enough to listen.

Things go dark.

I took a drag on my smoke and pulled my jacket tighter around me. Mello was gone when I woke up this morning. He probably had to work. Or I said something to piss him off last night. I closed my eyes and groaned. The front door opened, and my shit uncle walked in. He looked around for a second, found a file on the table, shot me a brief hello, then took off again. A sigh escaped my lips. He meant well.

* * *

**-A/N-**

**So, first chapter is up. I think I'll leave it here for now. Tell me what you thought about my pacing in the story. Also, Do we like first person, or should we try third person? It's an easy fix. One more thing, should I try to incorporate more the the Death Note characters? You tell me what you want to hear! Thanks for checking me out.**

**-A/N-**


	2. Oh Well

**-A/N-**

**Thanks for the reviews. Fixed the word bear to beer in the last few paragraphs. I hope none of you live in Utah. The End.**

**-A/N-**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

* * *

I remember the first day I met Mello. It was in the fourth grade right after my parents accident, when I moved in with Shit Uncle. Anthony had cornered me on the playground and was taunting me with insults typical for a nine year old to use.

"_Look he's crying again! You big baby!"_

He pushed me down and the group of kids laughed. I had felt so..._alone_ at that moment. I didn't even try to stand up that time, they would've just pushed me back down. So I sat there and listened to their laughter, crying like a two year old who lost his mommy in the supermarket. In a way, I had.

_"Hey! Leave him alone!"_ Everyone got quiet at that point. Mello stood there with his arms folded and a death glare in place, a look that has only gotten scarier over the years.

_"Why should I? He's a baby!"_

_"You should learn to listen."_ And with that, Mello picked up a pile of mud and threw it in Anthony's face. Long story short, we wrestled (I was just caught in the middle really) for a while and all got detention. Fun fourth day of school, right?

We had to help the janitors clean the lunchroom after school. It wasn't too bad, except for when Mello got in trouble for eating chocolate instead of sweeping and was moved to the other side of the room. I was alone with Anthony, but the worst I got from him were a few death glares.

The weirdest part of the whole experience was when Mello decided to follow me home. Our apartment was only a few blocks away, but it seems longer when you have a strange kid follow you without saying anything. He stayed with me all the way to my front door, where he stared at me awkwardly.

_"Um..."_ I started, not sure what to say, _"thanks..for today..." _

_"You're welcome."_ Then we stood there in silence for a minute. When he made no move to leave, or say anything, I turned to open my door. His voice stopped me.

_"You shouldn't cry in front of him. It makes him want to pick on you more."_

_"Well it's hard...not to cry...I-I'm just..."_

_"There_._ See? It's way too easy to get you going. Your eyes start to well up the second anyone says anything mean. That's how he knows he's getting to you."_ He gave me a long, curious look as I sat there sniffling pathetically.

_"I can't help it...w-why did you help me anyway?"_ He just gave me a goofy grin before shrugging. Then, without another word, he left.

I saw him again before class started the next day. He walked up to me with a confident smile and said loudly,_ "What's up Shorty?"_ I didn't know what to say to that, so I just shrugged and went back to staring at the ground. Mello sighed and slapped me on the shoulder.

_"Anyway, I have something for you."_ He held up a pair of tinted goggles and grinned at me, clearly proud of...whatever he did. I just blinked and shuffled my feet awkwardly. He sighed and shoved them into my hands.

_"Put them on,"_ he lowered his voice a little, _"this way Anthony can't see when you tear up."_ I remember standing there, dumbly looking between Mello and the goggles in my hand.

_"Like this,"_ he forced the goggles onto my head, _"there! You can't even see your eyes very well." _

And we have been friends ever since. The end.

It used to confuse the hell out of me. I couldn't figure out why Mello, who hated and was mean to everyone, would be nice to someone like me. He used to pick on kids like me back then. He always replies the same way when I ask him about it, too.

_"It doesn't matter. I just did._" And he would always grin and clap me on the shoulder in his way and we'd drop it. After a while, I stopped asking. I became confused by a more relevant question: why was he still my friend?

Despite everything, he only gets mad at me when I did drugs or got drunk. Which is happening more often than not.

I stood from my place on the balcony, snuffing out my cigarette bud in the ashtray, intent on finding my phone. I had to talk to Mello.

I stepped into the kitchen and stopped. This was the cleanest it's been in months. It was practically sparkling. I shook my head and focused on the issue at hand: finding my phone. I walked back into the living room and started to dig around the couch, mumbling to myself about my lack of memory.

A sigh escaped my lips as I was reminded about what I did last night. I do regret it. I regret it every time, but I'm too messed up in the head to try and stop. I'm a kid set in my ways.

Oh well.

* * *

It took me a few hours to find my phone. Granted, I did fall asleep on the couch because my head hurt, but it still shouldn't have taken me that long. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and checked my messages.

_Near:_

_What did Matt do to upset Mello this time?_

I blinked and re-read the text. Near never texted anyone, so Mello must have been raging about something.

"Shit," I ran my hand through my hair, "what did I do?" I dialed Mello's number and lit a cigarette. It went to voice mail the first time so I kept trying until he picked up.

"Hello."

"Uh, Hi."

Mello was quiet so I pressed on, "Did you have work today?"

"No."

"Oh..."

"Did you need something, Matt?" Each word was strained, like he was trying to stay calm. Mello was definitely in one of his moods.

"I was just wondering where you went," I lowered my voice to a whisper, "what did I do last night?"

"You broke your promise."

"I know, but what did I do to you?"

Mello paused, then sighed loudly, "you didn't do anything. You never do anything. I tell you every time." I could tell he was lying.

"Well I'm sorry, for whatever." We both stayed quiet for a long time.

"What did you do to Near? He actually texted me."

"I threw him into the dumpster outside that Italian restaurant," I could practically hear the smirk on his voice.

I had been forgiven.

* * *

I left the apartment in a much better mood than when I woke up. I was supposed to meet up with Mello so we could go to some party one of his co-workers was throwing. I didn't want to go, but I figured I owed him for last night, so I didn't complain. Besides, I bet the only reason he was even going was so he can suck up to his boss.

"Yo Shorty," Mello called as he clapped me on the back, "what the hell took you so long? We're going to be late!" I smiled and shrugged.

"I don't think you're allowed to call me Shorty anymore." I let my smile grow, knowing how this would end before it even started.

"Oh? And why is that," His voice held a playful edge to it, like he was daring me to keep going.

"Because I'm the tall one now." Mello snickered and pushed me into one of the bushes lining the sidewalk.

"You'll always be Shorty, now shut up and walk faster! If we're late, I'll throw you down the stairs." I almost called him on his bluff, but then I realized that he probably would throw me down the stairs if he wanted to. I stood up and dusted myself off, then jogged to catch up to him.

'So," I lit a cigarette, "how far away is this place?"

"It's just down the road. And put that thing out before we get there. You know I don't like smelling like smoke." I smiled and blew a puff of smoke in his direction, earning a swift punch to the ribs.

"You're such an asshole Matt!" Mello shot me his death glare and I shuddered slightly.

"Yeah, but you still love me." His glared softened a bit and a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

"Yeah, yeah. Now lets go."

The house where the party was being held was huge. It had a large front lawn, decorated with small statues, flower beds, and bird baths. There were at least three stories, each window glowing brightly, and I assumed the back yard was even more brilliant. I quickly stamped out my cigarette before trailing Mello up to the front door.

"Who is throwing this party?" I mumbled out of the corner of my mouth.

"The Boss' son." Mello plastered on a fake smile as the door opened, revealing a grinning teen. The first thing I noticed was the kids watch. His fucking huge pure-gold-looking watch. _"That thing is probably worth more than my apartment!"_ I tore my eyes off the flashy piece of jewelry and got a good look at him. His brown hair was slicked back showing off his grey eyes and he was wearing a green silk shirt and black skinny jeans that vanished into fancy ass dress shoes.

_"Damn."_

Now, it was no secret that I was Bi, but I was glad that I wore my goggles today so I could check him out without people (Mello) noticing. The kid was gorgeous.

"Mello! Glad you could make it man," The kid said, his grin growing, "who's your friend?"

I put a hand out before Mello could speak up, "I'm Matt." The kid shook my hand and and told me his name was Josh. I felt myself smile and put my hands into my pockets.

"Well come on in! Enjoy the party!" Josh gestured at the large crowd of people in his living room, all dancing to some popular top 20 song. I could see more people out back by the pool and messing around on the grass.

Josh was called over by some kid and waved at us before he was lost in the sea of people. I turned to Mello, who was giving me a strange look, and leaned in so he could hear me over the music.

"Now what?" He smirked and put a hand on his hip.

"Go have fun Shorty!" And then he was gone. Probably looking for his boss. I sighed and looked for a place to sit. It was so like him to try and force me to socialize. I spotted an abandoned corner off to the side and picked my way over to it through the crowd. Once I got there I pulled out my handheld and sat down, preparing for a long night.

I sat there for about an hour before someone tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up into grey eyes.

"What are you doing over here all by yourself?" I shrugged and shut off my game.

"Lets go outside. It'll be easier to talk," He reached out and to help me stand, "besides, it's too hot in here." I took his hand and felt my smile returning.

Maybe tonight wasn't going to go as bad as I first thought.

* * *

So, it turns out that Josh is as shallow as he looks. He laughed at the dumbest things and was fast to change the subject to about how awesome he was or how awesome the stuff he owned could be. But the kid is pretty funny, I'll give him that.

After we went outside, the two of us had taken up residence by the pool in some lawn chairs and just talked. I found out that his parent owned more than the small chain of fancy-cloths-for-fancy-people stores that Mello works in. They actually own three golf courses and a few car dealerships. That explains the watch.

I told him about school and cool video games mostly. The other stuff can wait...forever. No need to make a bad first impression. He seemed strangely focused on me despite the sea of people constantly trying to grab his attention.

"So, Matt, how do you know Mello?"

"I've always known him. We met we were pretty young."

"He talks about you all the time, you know? There's always something to say about Matt!" Josh laughed like it was some sort of inside joke. "For the longest time I thought you were just some made up person Mello could use to keep attention on himself. Some of the stories he tells are just way too crazy! Like how you street race sometimes for money and no one has beaten you in two years. Is that true?"

I nodded and smiled slightly. Hell yeah no one has beaten me.

"Really? That's awesome! Hey, you want to see my car?" Again, I nodded and was pulled out of my chair by a now over excited Josh. "It was a 16th birthday present from my father, maybe you could show us some of your racing moves?"

"We'll see after I check the thing out."

* * *

Josh's car was absolutely beautiful. He had this tricked out red Mercedes-Benz with all these cool features inside, like cooling seats and voice controlled radio. But my favorite part was how well it handled. I took him and some of his friends out to the old abandoned warehouse, where the races are usually held, and showed them what I could do.

It didn't take long for one of them to get so hyped that they threw up the second I stopped. But the rest of them treated me like I was some star or something, which is weird because I'm used to being that one background kid. So I gained a few "fans" and a few new contacts in my phone. We spent the next few hours driving around, well, I was driving like a crazy and they were loving it.

It was around 1:30 when we finally pulled into Josh's garage, laughing and a few of us more than a little drunk. Most of the party goers had already left and Josh's family had retired for the night. I climbed out of the car and stood off to the side as Josh said his goodbyes and chased a few people off his lawn with the hose.

"Glad you could make it today Matt! You're just as cool as Mello makes you out to be," he said with a rather large smile.

"To tell you the truth, I haven't had that much fun in a long time." I could still feel the adrenaline flowing through my veins, causing my hand to shake as I attempted to light my cigarette.

"Really? Well you should come by next week. A few friends of mine are taking the speed boat out and I would like to see you drive that!" I hesitated for a moment. I didn't socialize beyond my small group of friends, so I was a little weirded out by all the attention I was getting.

But, I eventually caved and agreed to go.

* * *

The walk home was cold and uneventful. I was too distracted to really focus on anything else. During that drive with Josh, I had completely forgotten to check my phone. As a result, Mello had hung around an extra hour at the party looking for me before he had finally given up and gone home.

I sighed and pulled my keys out of my pocket to open my front door. The apartment was dark, so Shit Uncle was probably working late again. I started my way to the couch when a voice behind me gave me a heart attack.

"Glad you could make it."

I whirled around and nearly ran into Mello, who was standing by the door with his arms folded and his eyes narrowed.

"Jesus fuck Mells! I almost died just now," I ran a hand through my hair and tried to stop shaking, "what the hell are you doing?" He gave me a long pointed look and sighed.

"I was waiting to see if you were going to make it home ok. You did ditch me, you know." I wanted to point out that he dragged me to a party with a bunch of people that I didn't know and then ditched _me_, but I wasn't in the mood to argue so I just bowed my head a muttered an apology. He sighed again and crossed the room to the couch and motioned for me to sit with him. I knew the drill.

I pulled off my goggles so he could check if I was on anything and then proceeded to answer every question he could think up about where I was and what I was doing. This was the usual procedure for when I went out without Mello and came home sober. He was trying to keep me from getting in trouble, and I knew it, but he could really overreact sometimes.

After he was satisfied that I hadn't broken my promise, he decided that I needed to go to bed because we had school in the morning.

"Since when have you cared about me being awake at school? I do have some of the best scores in our grade and I don't even try."

"Because you've had a long weekend, Matt. Now if you don't move your ass to bed, I will carry you there myself." He folded his arms again and stared at me. When i made no attempt at moving, he stood and smirked. "I warned you." Then he picked me up and carried me into my room, oblivious to my squirming and constant stream of profanity.

"Alright, you got me in bed. You can leave me alone now." He just laughed and shook his head.

"The second I leave, you're going to get up and turn on one of your games. Don't even try to argue." I blinked and sat up.

"What are you going to do then? I'm not tired and you can't make me so-" I was cut off by Mello tackling me to the bed. We wrestles for a minute before he pinned underneath him. Then he shifted until he was sitting on my back with a triumphant smirk on his lips. I sighed and gave up. Neither of us spoke and , eventually, I felt my eyes start to droop.

Turns out I was tired after all.

* * *

**-A/N-**

**Sometimes I literally contemplate have a random alien invasion that no one will see coming happen in this story. Ah dreams that will never be.**

**-A/N-**

Get the reviews up to 8 (5 reviews) or I won't post again.


	3. Problem Solved

**Did some editing. Carry on.**

**-A/N- **

**So I changed Matt's age from 16 to 17, because it fits better in my projected timeline. I did go back and fix it in the first chapter. I also mentioned that it was October somewhere in there, so now you all know when his birthday is, because I decided to make up my own. October 15, 1995 (Totally not my birthday) and Mello is a '96 baby. I haven't picked a date yet, but that's not important right now. **

**Longest chapter so far. **

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

* * *

_I groaned as my Gameboy battery light turned red. Now I had to go get my charger from my room...which involved actually moving from my comfortable spot on the couch. Life was hard. Well, for a 15 year old who rarely left the house anyway. I saved my game and switched to playing my PSP. _

_Problem solved._

"_Hey, Matt?" Mello sounded hesitant. He was sitting on the floor surrounded by textbooks, but I knew he hadn't been paying any attention to them. He'd been distracted for a few days now, actually. I couldn't figure out what it was though. It was like he wanted to tell me something, but always wimped out in the end. I smiled at the thought of Mello hearing me say that out loud. He'd throw a fit for sure and I'd end up with black eye in his attempt to prove how manly he was. My smile grew._

"_What's up Mells?" I said without looking up from my game. He shifted around for a second then sighed. I guess he wasn't ready yet._

"_It's nothing. Forget it." I could see his shoulders sag in defeat from the corner of my eye. He started to pretend he was reading his textbook again and act like nothing had been said. _

"_You know you can talk to me Mello," I stated, sounding half absorbed in my game. I was actually more focused in him, but he felt more comfortable talking to me about serious stuff when I seemed like I wasn't paying that much attention. He shut his textbook softly and turned to look at me. _

"_I..well...I'm pretty sure that,"He paused and I motioned for him to continue,"I'm pretty sure that I'm...gay." He almost whispered the last word. I fought back a smile and resisted the urge to look at him. _

"_I know." I said with a shrug, my eyes on my PSP._

"_Y-you know?"_

"_Yup."_

"_H-how?"_

_I shrugged again, "I've always known." He slowly pulled himself to his feet, his eyes never leaving me. _

"_Why the hell didn't you say anything then? Do you have any idea how freaked out I've been about this?"_

_I started to chuckle, which took him off guard, and let the smile return to my face._

"_Yeah. I can only imagine how well that conversation would have went. 'Hey Mells, I just wanted to point out that you're gay! In case you were wondering, you know?'" I was laughing by this point. He just sat down beside me, nervously chuckling, and running a slightly shaking hand through his hair._

"_Y-you're right. I would have busted your nose if you had said anything like_ that."_ The room fell quiet again. Mello sat fidgeting next to me._

"_Are you...ok with it?" I lifted my gaze from my game and met his._

"_Why wouldn't I be?"_

"_Well I'm a guy who spends all his time around you and I just told you that I'm probably gay. Doesn't that...bother you?"_

"No."_ Mello visibly relaxed and sank into the couch while I returned to my game. _

"_Is it_ obvious?"_ He sounded much more confident now, and I realized that his only concern about this whole thing had been my reaction to finding out. He didn't care what other people thought, he just didn't want to lose me. It was a sobering thought and it made guilt tug at the back of my mind. I was glad my goggles were on, or he would have seen the distress lurking in my eyes. _

"_Not really. I'm just good at reading people."_

"Huh."_ He pulled out a chocolate bar and his face turned thoughtful as he snapped a piece off. _

"_What about you, Matty? I honestly can't picture you with anyone. What's your_ preference?"_ Well aren't we just all cozy talking about this now. _

"_Don't have one._"

"_You don't have one? Like you're BI? Or are you just going to die alone?"He smirked at his jab._

"_First one."_

"_What? Since when were you_ Bi?"_ I started laughing again._

"_I'm_ serious!"_ I shook my head and shut off my game._

"_You know those rumors about me and Danny West at last years'Valentines Day dance?_"

"_Holy shit. You really did make out with him! What the hell else have I been_ missing?" I just laughed harder.

_He didn't really miss much._

* * *

I was startled awake by the sound of my upstairs neighbors fighting. I lifted my head from my pillow to check the time. It was 5:30, so I might as well get up now and take a shower before Mello wakes up. He's more of a bathroom hog than most girls. I snickered slightly and sat up carefully, trying not to wake him as I did. Mello looked so gentle when he slept, which was funny for such a self-proclaimed bad-ass-leather-wearing-manly-man. He will deny it up and down, but he also loves to cuddle when he's sleepy. It's kind of cute.

Seeing him like this reminded me of my dream, well memory, last night. I frowned and made my way to the bathroom. I triple checked that the door was locked before I peeled my vest and shirt off. The cuts on my left arm were almost completely healed. Good. Less of a chance that Mello would find out. I placed my goggles on the counter and gently pushed the hidden button on the side. Despite common belief, I actually have more hobbies other than smoking and gaming. I'm really good at building things. To the untrained eye, the front of my bathroom counter was completely normal. But, if you looked carefully, you could see a tiny square where the wood was a shade lighter. Push that in, and a small compartment, like a miniature drawer, will open up. All my handy work.

This was where I kept my most important things. There was an old picture of me and my parents at the beach in California, a few razors, first aid stuff, and, sometimes, drugs. I glanced at the picture for a minute before closing the drawer and starting my shower. I didn't need it today.

I sighed as the water started to wake me up, warming my body and clearing my thoughts. My focus shifted to the sleeping blonde in the other room and the memory of when he came out to me. I frowned again. It didn't take a genius (which I totes am) to figure out how Mello really felt towards me. A part of me wants to say, "Well there you go, that's why he's still your friend. Problem solved,"but I can't ignore the fact that it only adds to my dilemma. I know he loves me, but I pretend to not notice. I pretend to not love him back, despite feeling the same way. Because I know he _deserves_ someone better than me.

There was once a time that I decided I was going to tell him. I believed that we could be happy together and that everything would work out in the end like some sappy fairytale. It was the start of Sophomore year when I decided I was going to ask him out. I had been planning for weeks. We had to stop by my apartment to grab lunch and then head down to the lake where I was going to ask him. Well that turned out to be the day he had found my stash of weed in my room for the first time. Mello had been _furious._ He had started screaming about me throwing my life away and making stupid choices and I started screaming shit about how I knew what I was doing and that he wasn't my boss.

This went on for a while before he finally managed to make me promise to never do any form of drug again. I didn't want to, but I could see how hurt he was. So I promised him that I wouldn't use anymore, and I knew that I was lying to the both of us. I had looked him in the eye when I said it too, and my heart broke seeing how much he trusted me. I decided then that I wasn't going to let him know how I felt. I had too much power over him, and I was probably the worst person he could have ever fallen for. I wasn't going to get close to him knowing that the hurt I already caused him would only get worse.

I fought back the guilt that plagued me with memories of every time I saw his hurt look when I hooked up with someone that wasn't him. Of every time I had broken my promise and he had to drag my sorry ass home. Everytime I wake up not remembering the night before. I blinked back the tears gathering in the comers of my eyes and shook my head, trying to calm down. I wasn't going to start today off bad.

Him loving me wasn't the answer to my question of why he was still my friend. It was only a part of it. All I did was hurt him, but he still loved me and I couldn't figure out why.

I sighed and decided that I wasn't allowed to think about this anymore today. No more sad shit. I wanted to have a good day.

* * *

The drive to school was silent for the most part. Mello insisted on driving because he said I "looked dead on my feet."The argument lasted up until he threatened to take away my PSP, so I handed him the keys glaring at his smirk. The first half of the day went by smoothly. If I wasn't sleeping, I was playing one of my games instead of paying attention. All in all, I was in a relatively good mood.

I walked into my math class and layed my head down on the desk. I could do the work in my sleep. The only reason I wasn't taking a harder level of math was because Mello can barely add 2+2 without the whole problem going to hell. I might be exaggerating a bit, but it's pretty bad. A smile formed on my face as I heard Mello stomp into the classroom bitching at Near to leave him alone. So, naturally, the Sheep sat down in the desk in front of me.

"Matt seems tired today." I pulled my head up slightly to look at the kid, who was twirling a piece of his hair and attempting to look into my soul.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"I am here for class."

"No. I mean why are you in this class? You should be in a much higher level of math than this."

"The same could be asked of Matt." I blinked before letting my head fall to my desk. I heard Mello scoff and grumble something about Near not being as smart as he pretends to be and I couldn't help the smile that returned to my face. I don't remember when I dozed off, but I do remember being woken up by a rather large book being thrown at my back. I glared at the snickering Mello and went to fall back asleep.

"No you don't!" I groaned and sat up completely.

"The assignment has been passed out and Mello needs Matt to help him now," Near stated simply before taking out a pencil and starting his work.

"I do not 'need help' Near. I just like to check my work is all." Mello folded his arms and started to pout, which to everyone else he looked indifferent, but I knew him too well. I snickered and moved my desk closer to his.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"I'm not laughing," which I clearly was, "now start 'checking your work' before I fall asleep again." Mello grinned softly at me and handed me my assignment. The rest of class was spent on Mello attempting math problems and me walking him through his mistakes until he could do it on his own. Of course, it didn't look that way to anybody but Near. Despite the constant fighting those two did, I know they enjoy each other's company. Mello always showed his affection differently than normal people.

By the time the bell rang for lunch to start, I was in the best mood I've been in for a long time. Everything seemed so _normal. _Plus, I loved seeing Near rile Mello up with a few well placed words and his slight smirk.

"God you're infuriating! Who said you're allowed to sit with us anyway?" Near just glanced at me, and I shrugged with a smile to Mello, who started to pout again.

"Are we having this argument _again_?" Linda asked as she set her lunch down beside me, "I mean really guys." Mello just glared at her and snapped of a piece of chocolate. Then he began bickering with her about minding her own business and that him and I didn't need anymore annoying friends.

"Please, you would die without all the attention."

"Are you calling me an attention whore?" Mello asked in disbelief.

"Yup!" Mello's eyes practically turned red before he started protesting loudly, which Linda pointed out, only helped her argument. I shared an amused look with Near and got comfortable. I pulled my gloves off and stretched a little at the same time that Near started to look out the window. His eyes widened a small fraction and I froze.

"_Shit."_

I calmy excused myself from the table and replaced my gloves. It wasn't unusual that I skipped lunch to smoke. And I really needed one now.

There was no way Near didn't notice the cuts on my arm, the kid noticed _everything._ "_Oh_ god."My heart started racing He was probably telling everyone,_ telling Mello_, all about it right now. I took a long drag on my cigarette and forced myself to calm down. Near wouldn't say anything until he was sure he was correct about his theory. At the moment, he didn't have any proof that they were self inflicted wounds, I just needed to come up with a believable story that would satisfy his curiosity and get him to leave it alone. I let out a shaky breath and stamped my smoke out on the ground.

"_This isn't going to be easy._"

* * *

My next class was Advanced Computer Tech...with Near. I was glad there was assigned seats so I could avoid him for a little bit; I just had to make sure to get out before he could nab me. That would leave me with a little more time to figure things out. I stopped in the doorway and stared at Near for several seconds. The little bastard was sitting in the seat next to mine. _"Fuck." _ He looked up and locked eyes with me. _"There's no way out of this now."_

I sat down and logged onto my computer without acknowledging his presence beside me. He didn't say anything, but I knew he would once we started to work. Our teacher took his place at the front of the class and started giving instruction on how to set up protective firewalls. _"Amateur." _I sighed and stole a glance at Near, who hadn't taken his eyes off me yet. I started to panic again. Near was the smartest person I knew (sorry Mells) and lying to him would be next to impossible.

"Matt!" I practically jumped out of my skin at the sudden voice behind me. Somehow Mr. Cotlons had gotten from the front of the class to behind me without me noticing. I blinked before I realized he was waiting for me to respond.

"Yes?"

"I said that I've moved Near back here with you because he has asked for extra help and you could probably teach this class better than me. Play nice." And with that, he walked off to help some other kid in distress.

I narrowed my eyes at the white haired boy dangerously, completely agreeing with Mello about him being a bastard.

"What do you want Near. We both know you don't need any help." Near moved his hand to his hair and eyed me curiously.

"Matt is cutting himself." I forced myself to remain impassive.

"And what makes you say that?"

"The cuts on Matt's left arm." My mind was working in hyper drive to come up with reasonable excuses.

"I had a disagreement with a cat," I said with a shrug.

"Cats do not cut in evenly spaced rows." I sighed and looked him in the eye.

"Alright, you caught me," I rubbed the back of my neck, "I'm a masochist." Near blinked.

"Matt's reaction at lunch suggests he is lying. I believe Matt needs help-"

"I don't need your help. I need you to leave me alone!" I ground out, trying to keep my voice level.

"I will not leave Matt alone until I am certain he is no longer hurting himself. If I have to tell Mello-"

"No! Don't tell him...please..." Near gave me a look that told me that he was going to whether I liked it or not. I felt like I was being suffocated under the stress this issue was starting to cause was too much for me to handle right now. I needed to get away. I needed to time to think. So, without a word or second glance, I took off.

I was just about to make it out the front doors when a voice stopped me.

"Look, the faggot's giving up on school." _Anthony._

I slowly turned to face him and his two friends. Anthony wasn't a small guy. He stood almost seven feet and considered a long day of rigorous workout fun. He had a shaved head and brown eyes and never went anywhere without his two lackeys (who names didn't matter). He had a large smirk on his face and had folded his arms over his chest.

"You know," he started walking towards me, "You won't get anywhere in life without a good education. You don't want to throw your life away do you?" I turned to leave but he caught my wrist.

"I guess it isn't a surprise. I mean, you did throw your parents lives away because you couldn't handle a little cold." He grabbed a handful of my shirt and pinned me to the wall.

"How can you even live with yourself, knowing that they could still be alive if you weren't such a _baby_." I opened my mouth to argue, but I couldn't find anything wrong with what he said. It was a true, even if it hurt. So I closed my eyes and gave in, like always. He ripped my goggles off my face and threw them somewhere behind him, then leaned in close to my face.

"If I were in your position, if I had killed my parents, I wouldn't disgrace them further by selfishly allowing myself to live." He brought his knee up to my stomach, knocking the wind out of me, and left me there trying to fight back the tears. Every word hurt; like he had taken a knife and was slowly _twisting _it into my chest. It took me a minute to catch my breath and even longer to find my goggles. But once I was on my feet, I was out of there. I decided against taking my car and started the 10 minute walk home. Besides, Mello had the keys still.

* * *

My phone vibrated again, but I didn't bother looking at it. It was Mello still trying to figure out why I missed English. Instead I just continued to play my Xbox like nothing was wrong. I couldn't do anything rash (drugs) right now because I had to work in a half hour and I didn't need my boss firing me. I knew that Near didn't tell Mello, or he would've been here by now beating the shit out of me for making stupid decisions. I would have to talk to Near later, now that I've calmed down. He was strange, but he wasn't irrational.

I sighed and shut off my game. I was going to have to walk to work today. My phone vibrated again, and I looked at the words that popped up on the screen.

_Mello:_

_We need to talk_

I changed into my uniform, grabbed my cigarettes, and left my apartment, jogging until I was around the corner so Mello wouldn't catch me when he dropped off my car. I was not in the mood to "talk"

I turned my phone off before I walked into the garage.

"Just on time, Matt. I have to help my neighbor fix his sprinkler system. You'll be ok?" I nodded to my boss and punched in my time card. My boss, Gary, was a mechanic. He took over this car garage from his father and had planned to pass it onto his son...except he didn't have one. So he often treated me like is was his kid and trusted me to run the place while he was gone.

Gary stood and wiped his greasy hands on a dirty rag before running me through the problems on the truck he was working on and telling me what he had already done to fix it.

"Questions? Alright. Don't let that girl of mine mess anything up."

"Sure thing Gary." I smiled as he shook his head.

"Oh, and don't forget to feed Bear ok?" Bear was the garage Rottweiler.

"I won't Gary."

I watched as he hopped into his pickup before focusing my attention on the truck beside me. It took a few hours to get it up and running, apparently the owner decided to play mechanic. It took an extra half hour to get payment settled and to check out the car back to the dumbass, who argued the entire time. I flipped him off as he drove away and went into the back room.

I was greeted by a happy tailwag from Bear who was laying in front of the air conditioner. I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face when I saw the old mutt. I _love_ dogs.

"Hi Bear!"I said in the voice I reserved old for dogs and small children, "come here! Are you hungry? Yes you are!"I scratched his ears and put his food down for him to eat. When I was sure he was taken care of, I sat down with my head in my hands.

Today had been _terrible_. This whole thing with Near and Anthony was getting to me and if I had to deal with another shitty customer, I was going to lose it.

"Did Matty have a long day?"

"_I am not in the mood to talk to _her_ right now." _I looked up at the blonde in front of me.

"Yeah."

"Well Misa has an idea to make it better,"she hinted suggestively.

"Misa-"

"Aw won't Matt come to The Drive with Misa? _Pleeaasssee?" _I looked at her, expecting her to ask me for sex again. But she just wanted to go to the rave club we frequent together. I didn't believe a word of it.

"Misa I'm not having sex with you."She pouted, folding her arms.

"Why do you always assume Misa only wants sex?"

"Because you're a whore."

"You're so mean! Well if you don't want to come with Misa, then I guess she will have to find someone else to share her brownies with." My head perked up at the mention of brownies. I looked at her smiling face, knowing she'd won. I didn't even feel guilty. The relief was more important.

* * *

The Drive was a shabby club on the outskirts of town. The outside of the building suggested that entering would be unsafe and and half of the sign was unlit. But, despite the scary exterior, the inside was fucking sweet.

The dance floor was huge and was surrounded by fancy ass leather couches. There were stage lights and lasers put up all around the room, illuminating the fog that was constantly being blown into the air. Off to the side was a bar manned by a guy who never check for your ID and always a few whores. And it was always _full _of people. Definitely does not sound like a place that someone like me would frequently, let alone hang around all the time. I only ever came here to get high and have sex. Because I'm a needy fucker sometimes.

I ditched Misa soon after I got my fix and found a space on a couch to sit on until the drug took effect. I closed my eyes and focused on the loud bass music, feeling my chest vibrate with every pulse. I stood up once I was sure the drug was in full swing and started out onto the dance floor. I pushed my way into the center of the crowd and started to dance.

I let myself get lost in the music and the lights. I loved to dance, but only when I was drugged up enough to let myself go; to just be_ free_.

It wasn't long until I found myself pressed up against a wall in some corner of the club by an attractive dark haired teen. I knew what he wanted; this wasn't my first time with him. My head blurred as I let myself get lost into the sensation of him kissing me.

A low moan escaped my lips as he began to thrust into me. I hadn't realized that he'd even pulled down my pants, but it didn't matter now. I buried my head into his shoulder and moaned again.

"Fuck Cody!" It had been a while since the last time had sex, so I came fairly quickly; lost in bliss. It took a bit longer for Cody to get off and as he shuddered against me I looked up into the crowd. "_Oh no."_

I could see Mello's back as he walked out of the club. He had to have seen me just now. It took a few seconds for my sedated mind to grasp the gravity of the situation. Mello had just seen me having sex with some guy..._again_... I could only imagine what he must be feeling right now. And after I had just ditched him at school, too.

"_Fuck_..."

* * *

**-A/N- **

**I'm aware that it's starting to sound like I'm going in circles with this whole thing, but I feel like I need to paint a better picture on their situation and how important the issue is to Matt. I promise I have a plot line and I promise it will start soon.**

**ALSO The first 5 reviewers will get their Username as a Gamertag in one of Matt's online games. Not that that is cool in anyway...unless you think it is...I'm just trying to get feedback. **

**-A/N- **


	4. Good For Him

**-A/N-**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I hope I got Mello's reaction down alright; It wouldn't work if I did it any other way...unless l changed the entire chapter.**

**As for the Gamertags, I will work them into the next few chapters, so keep an eye out. They'll be in order...**

**I've projected about 30 chapters. **

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

* * *

I haven't been to school for the last three days...ever since the night at The Drive. There was just too much going on at school. Especially with Mello. Linda showed up at my house that night, after Cody dropped me off, spouting off about Mello trashing her room and throwing her computer chair through a window. According to her, he saw something at this club that pissed him off and that I needed to apologize for "whatever I did because she wasn't stupid and knew it had something to do with me."

I just told her that he needed time to cool off and that I would see her at school in the morning. Of course, I didn't go. I figured that I was causing way too much drama for it to be healthy for everyone and that they needed time away from my shit. At the same time I was doing what I do best: running from my problems. So I stayed at home and buried myself within the virtual world of online gaming. I couldn't do anything else (drugs) to numb the pain because I told Gary I would take all the extra shifts he could give me. I needed all the money I could get.

A few years ago, Shit Uncle sat me down and we made a deal. He would pay for everything I needed like school, clothing, and even my games as long as I was working. I could put all my money into savings that way, so when he deemed me old enough, I would have to get my own place and start supporting myself. Basically give me a head start on real life. I wasn't complaining, but I only had a year until I was 18 and I didn't know how soon after I turned that he was going to kick me out. I was even considering taking a second job.

Logically thinking, my uncle wasn't a Shit Uncle at all. He was actually one of the most generous guys I know. He just didn't really pay attention to me...ever. I always thought he hated me when I was younger, because he never was home and when he was he was always too busy working. He had even told me that he hated kids and never planned on having any, and the only reason he was looking after me was because he owed it to my mother.

I know now that everything he had done when I was younger, leaving me alone to fend for myself, was simply preparing me for a time when I wasn't going to have anyone to depend on. I'm actually very grateful for everything he has done. I simply call him Shit Uncle now out of habit. Mello has a completely different opinion of him though. He thinks that if my uncle had payed me more attention, that I wouldn't have gotten into drugs. I'm not so sure. Even if he payed me more attention, I would've gotten into drugs. Because my mental situation really wouldn't be that different. But I haven't told Mello any of that. He can continue to call my uncle Shit Uncle and mean it, and think that I call him that for similar reasons.

I blinked at the words that scrolled across my computer screen in large red letters.

_Mat-tech has been killed by StaticAge: Headshot._

_Next round starting in 13 minutes. _

"_Huh. Been awhile since I've lost at this game._" After sending a quick "Good shot" to the player who dropped me, I rubbed my eyes and logged out. It wasn't often that someone managed to put me out of a round, so they deserved some praise. Besides, if I was losing at this simple FPS, then I was way too distracted to keep playing anyway. I did have a reputation to uphold. Mat-tech was a well known name in the online gamer world...because I kicked ass at everything.

I stood and remembered that I had to wash my work cloths and take a shower. It took me longer than it should have to find them, but it wasn't surprising. My room was a mess of takeout boxes, dirty laundry, and random bits of broken tech stuff. Not to mention cigarette packs and a few of Mello's chocolate wrappers. I kicked a few things to the closet and threw some clothes in a pile. That's all the cleaning I could handle in a week.

My shower was quick, the hot water stung some of the fresh cuts in my arm. I was just finishing drying my hair when my phone started to ring. I glanced at the caller ID and growled. "_Near. What the hell._"It wasn't like I could really ignore him...

"Hello?"

_"Hello Matt."_

_"What do you need Near," I sighed, "I have to get ready for work."_

"_I think I have a solution to Matt's cutting problem."_

"Near. We've been over this. I don't need help."

_"My cousin believes I am correct in this matter. He is a psychiatrist and can provide Matt with the help he needs."_

I growled and went to hang up the phone, but Near's voice stopped me.

_"Either Matt accepts my help or I will tell Mello about his problem." _I sighed again and ran a hand through my hair. I really didn't want Mello to find out, but, on the other hand, I didn't want to go to some shrink who would talk to me like I was some at risk child. For once, I decided to put Mello before my selfish needs.

Maybe there is hope for me after all.

"Fine...just don't tell Mello. He doesn't need anything else to stress him out right now."

"_I agree." _I paused for a second, trying to gather my thoughts.

"How...how is he?"

_"He is upset about finding Matt with another man. Mello is sad."_

I resisted the urge to yell at him. I knew Mello was sad, but I didn't press the issue. Neither was I willing to continue conversing with Near like I wasn't still pissed at him. So with a stressed goodbye, I hung up and set back to getting ready for another long day at work.

* * *

"Alright, when was the last time you changed your oil?"

"You're supposed to change it?" I looked up at the lady to make sure she wasn't kidding. Resisting the urge to beat my face against the keyboard was becoming next to impossible.

"Oookay. Well do you know what happens when you _don't _replace the oil in your car," I was struggling to keep my voice calm. This was the fourth clueless customer I've had today and I was almost ready to quit. People can be so _stupid_ sometimes!

"Um, nooo. Is it bad?"

"Yes it's bad. It kills your motor. You're going to have to get a lot of work done to get your car up and running again..." I slowly walked her through all the work that needed to be done and then told her a general price range. She wasn't happy at all.

"Are you kidding me? It can't be that much."

"I'm just trying to do my job mam-"

"And does it say 'scammer' in your job description?" I blinked and bit my tongue. Oh all the wonderful insults I could spit at her.

"Is there a problem miss?" I sighed in relief. Gary walked up with a smile and offered out his hand for the lady to shake. This was his customer now. I hid in the back room with Bear and listened to him try and calm her down. She ended up leaving to get a "second opinion" like that would change things. I doubt she could make it down the street before the car died.

"Man some people..." I smiled up at Gary who rolled his eyes.

"Heh. I think you got the worst of her Matt. It was easy watching her walk away." Gary plopped down on the beat up leather couch and opened a soda. I shrugged and continued to pet Bear's head, which was in my lap.

"You know kid, you deserve the day off." I blinked.

"You've been working non stop for the last few days and I can tell you're stressed." Great.

"I need money,.Gary. Besides, it gives me something to do." Gary laughed.

"You _should_ be spending your time in school. You can't honestly tell me that you're going to stay working here until I croak and the deed's go to Misa? You're better than that Kid." I opened my mouth to protest, but Gary held up his hand.

"No arguing. I'm giving you the day off."

"Alright," I mumbled, "but i'm staying here with Bear." He laughed again and shook his head, mumbling something about me getting my own dog.

Maybe I should.

* * *

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I needed it. I woke up on the floor by the heater with Bear curled into my side, his warm eyes watching me and his tail wagging slightly. I couldn't help but smile.

"It's warm here isn't it Bear? Yes it is!" I was scratching his belly and talking in my dog voice.

"God you're such a kid sometimes." I jumped at the unexpected voice. I looked up and was met with a smirking blonde.

_Mello. _

I smiled and rubbed the back of my head, "Yeah, I guess I am." He shook his head and fell onto the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"So is this what you do all day at work? You _would _land a job with someone who lets you sleep for a living." My smile grew and I moved to the couch next to him.

"I'm not actually working," I glanced at the clock, "I got off two hours ago, actually." Mello was looking at me like I was crazy. A fair observation.

"God you are one weird kid, Matty." He suddenly sobered up and straightened his back.

"Look...I'm sorry for ignoring you the last few days." I blinked. He shouldn't be the one apologizing. If anything _I _was ignoring _him_. I went to protest, but he cut me off.

"And just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean you can skip school! I have all your homework and I'm going to make sure you do it all." He poked me in the chest and stood up. I resisted the urge to groan. Damn him and his obsession with academics. This was probably his way of getting back at me for hurting him.

Good for him.

Mello snapped his fingers in front of my face and pulled me off the couch.

"Come on Shorty. Mom is expecting you for dinner tonight." Mello walked out of the room and called to Gary that he was stealing me for the rest of the day. l waved and followed behind him obediently, stopping when l saw his motorcycle parked in front of the building. I frowned at his smirking face and shook my head.

"This is how we're getting home, kid. If you don't like it, you can walk. If you're late, Mom will have a fit. I did promise to bring you home today." Mello said over his shoulder as he climbed onto his bike, holding out a gloved hand. l hesitated before climbing on. Who was l to say no to Mello's mother.

* * *

Heather Keel was a proud woman. She was also beautiful, with her blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. Having to fight her way through her husbands mother, a pregnancy alone, and being abandoned by both her parents and her in-laws made her a very strong person as well. She has also survived having a terror like Mello for a son. That being said, she is the sweetest person l have ever met. And one of the scariest. The thought of the last time l saw her mad made me cringe and l tightened my arms around Mello's waist as he sped around another corner. He was taking the long way home...probably as another form of punishment. _And _l bet he likes me holding him like this.

The ride lasted another 13 minutes (yes l counted) until we _finally_ pulled into Mello's driveway. I was off his bike and practically kissing the ground before he could even blink. l _hate _motorcycles.

"God it's not _that_ bad, you pussy," Mello was laughing now, "dinner's ready when you grow some balls and pick yourself up off the ground." l smiled up at him and took his outstretched hand.

"Why do you think l keep you around, Mells?" Mello smiled knowingly and pulled me up.

"Come on Matty," he said softly and walked into his house.

We were greeted by the smell of steak and homemade rolls. It's been awhile since I've had a proper meal, so my stomach immediately growed. Mello smirked and clapped me on the shoulder before walking into the kitchen.

"Smells good Mom," he kissed her on the cheek,"I've brought over a friend." Heather turned and smiled at me.

"Matt! l was beginning to think you left town, with how little I've been seeing you lately." She gave me a quick hug and ruffled my hair. Then she set the two of us to work setting the table.

Dinner was nice. The food was spectacular, as usual, and most of the attention was on Mello and him talking about his grades. Having his mom be proud of him meant the world to the kid, Near be damned. Eventually, Heather asked me about how l was doing and where l had been the last few days. Mello chimed in and made up some lie about me having work all week (which wasn't _really_ a lie) and between that and school l had no free time.

"Can't Matt answer for himself Mello?" She raised her eyebrow and then gestured for me to answer.

"I've been great. A little stressed with work, but nothing l can't handle."

"You know, Matt, that you always have a place to stay if you need it. l would be happy to take you in until you got on your feet. There's no need for you work so hard!"l smiled at her kindness and nodded, even though l knew l would never take her up on that offer. l could never take advantage of Heather's kindness.

"Come on, Mom! The kid's practically lived by himself his whole life! He'll be fine."Mello grinned and clapped me on the shoulder. l shook my head and started to collect the dishes off the table. It was the usual deal: Heather cooked and we cleaned, no questions asked.

"Alright, you boys play nice and don't wreck the house. l have work in the morning so I'm going to bed." We bid her a goodnight and worked on the dishes. We were silent for a time, finding nothing to talk about and not wanting to even breach the subject of our fight. But l knew that we would have to talk about it sometime. _"I guess now is as good as any."_

"I'm sorry."Mello looked up at me, a weary look on his face.

"For?"

"What happen at The Drive... l-"

"Save it. You always do this, you know," Mello sounded pretty pissed, "You're always 'sorry'but then you go out and do the same shit over and over again! What the Hell do you want me to say, Matt? That l forgive you? Because l don't." l bowed my head and didn't say anything. Nothing l could say right now would make this situation better, so l decided to let him vent.

"I mean, god Matt! Do you know how _dangerous _having sex with a stranger is? The last thing you need is to catch some fucking STD!" He was fuming now, barely keeping his voice from rising. A part of me wanted to tell him that Cody was no "stranger" but that was probably the worst choice right now. Because l knew he was hurting about me sleeping with someone not him.

"You're already killing yourself with your damn cigarettes and all these drugs you do! Do you have any idea what it would do to me if you-" Mello stopped and turned away from me. He was scared of losing me. After everything, l still meant so much to him. Things, _l_, needed to change. l wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into my chest.

"I know l'm in a bad place right now, Mells. But I'm trying l really am," he was hugging me back at this point, shaking slightly, "I...I'm going to see a counselor soon. I'm going to get help. Things are going to get better now." He pulled away and searched my eyes for a lie that wasn't there. It was about time that l started being a good friend back.

"I'm really sorry Mells." He was silent for a long time, going over everything l had said. Eventually, he grinned and punched me in the arm. I raised an eyebrow in question.

"This is the first time that you haven't defended your bad habits. I'm proud of you Matty." A warmth filled me to my core at his words. Tears stung my eyes and grin broke out on my face.

Things were going to get better.

* * *

**-A/N-**

**So I got this review for What Could Have Been and it's in another language...but I can tell they're either excited or upset. It's pretty fucking cute. **

**Thank you guest reviewer Kim Jeevas and all your friends. Made my day. **

**Also, I'm so fucking sick of the FLDS Church...I want to throw up everytime l hear about all the horrible things Warren Jeffs makes the members do. I've never hated anyone like l hate that man.**

**God so many mistakes...**

**-A/N-**


	5. Of Course He Saw

**-A/N-**

**I would update faster if I got more reviews...just sayin'...**

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

* * *

"_Matt, sweetie, it's time to wake up!"_

"_I don't want to Mommy." She laughed and ruffled my hair. I cracked open my eyes and peered outside. The sun was shining, making Mom's red hair glow in the light. _

"_You better get up and get ready for school!" I smiled and climbed out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Dad walked in the room, his coat slung over his shoulder. _

_"You ready to go, Sport?" I beamed up at him and nodded, grabbing my goggles. I stopped and looked at them, standing in front of the window holding hands and smiling at me. The sight filled me with warmth. _

_Then everything changed. Dark clouds covered the sun and cast a massive shadow in the room. My parents were oblivious to the change, still smiling like nothing was wrong. _

_"Matt, you look sick. Do you need us to pick you up some medicine?" Her voice sounded wrong, sinister. I went to tell her no, that I felt fine, but I was stopped when I saw a pair of headlights outside my window. They were slowly getting closer, heading straight towards us. _

_I tried to warn them, but I suddenly couldn't speak. _

_"Can't have you sick on your birthday, can we?" My dad spoke. _

_"We'll just be down the street, you stay in bed." The headlights were were so bright now, flooding the room with light. _

_"You just gonna stand there and let them die, Matt? That doesn't surprise me at all," Anthony's voice echoed, "At least this time they're taking you with them!" The sound of a horn started blaring through the room mixed with the sound of my parents screams and Anthony laughing. _

_And then there was nothing but the blinding light. _

* * *

I started awake, my heart pounding in my chest, and my head throbbing. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing.

_It was just a dream...just a dream._

"Matt?" Mello mumbled beside me. He lifted his head and yawned. The sleepy look on his face made my anxiety vanish a bit.

"Did you have another nightmare?"

"Yeah...I'm fine." He shifted and pulled me down beside him, rubbing my back softly.

"If you say so, Matty." I smiled and snuggled close to him, burying my face in his shoulder. The muscles in my back started to relax and my heartbeat returned to a normal pace. He sighed and pulled the blanket back around us.

"Wake me up if you can't fall back asleep." I nodded, but we both knew that I wouldn't. I didn't move until I was sure Mello was fast asleep then I gently untangled myself from his arms and walked outside to have a smoke. Everything considered, that nightmare wasn't half as bad as it could have been. As they usually are. I was just glad that Mello was there that time, because when he's not, they're much worse.

I closed my eyes and smiled fondly at thought of the blonde terror sleeping upstairs. I snubbed out my cigarette and made my way inside to escape the cold night air. My vest is not as warm as it looks. Mello was still asleep when I got back to his room. He probably didn't get any sleep when we were "fighting" I know I didn't.

I moved some hair out of his face and smiled.

_Why can't you be this adorable all the time? _ I could practically feel his fist against my face for thinking that. I yawned and climbed back into bed.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

* * *

"Where did you say you were running off to today?" I shook my head and wondered if he had actually listened and was just trying to get me to talk. Probably the latter.

"Boating with Josh and his friends." Mello poked his head out from his bathroom, a toothbrush in his hand.

"You serious? It's almost winter. Who goes boating in the winter?"

"That's what I said but Josh wouldn't listen." Mello rolled his eyes and disappeared into his bathroom once more.

"That sounds awful. Don't go." I blinked and glanced up from my game.

"I can't just blow him off , Mells. I told him I would go." Mello scoffed and moved into the bedroom. He went to work making his bed and straightening up from the night before.

"Just tell him you have to work. That's what I did."

_He invited Mello?_

"Yeah, but you actually have to go to work today. I already told him I was off." He rolled his eyes again and sat down on his bed so he could pull on his boots.

"Why are you so against me going anyway?" Mello stopped and gave me a weird look. It was like he wasn't sure what to say. It reminded me of the day he came out to me.

"Mells..."

"I'm going to be late. Have fun freezing your ass off." He left the room without another word, the door closing softly behind him. I shut off my game and ran a hand over my face.

_I can't do anything right..._

* * *

The cool air nipped at my nose the second I stepped out of my car. I buried my face in the collar of my vest and shoved my hands into the front pocket. The lake was deserted, save for a few fisherman and some guy with his dog. Josh and his friends were standing at the end of the dock laughing about something. He spotted me and waved me over, beaming.

"Hey man! You ready?" I smiled at his excitement and nodded, glancing at the speed boat tied to the dock. We climbed into the boat and Josh ran me through the basics of driving the thing.

"And thats all you really need to know. Just don't tip us because that water looks cold as hell." Josh grinned and pat me on the back. I sat down and pulled us out into the center of the lake, not going particularly fast. Swimming did not sound fun and I was still learning how to handle this thing.

Eventually, I grew some balls and started having fun. Driving a boat is _way_ different than driving a car. The threat of tipping isn't as scary, but way easier to have happen, there isn't much turning you can actually do once you're going full speed, and damn does it feel good to have the wind in your hair like that. Not to mention the crazy jumps you can pull off. By the time Josh had me stop, the adrenaline was rushing through me full force. And a few of his friends were green in the face.

"You are one crazy ass dude," said blonde hair chick, "where the hell did a guy like Josh pick you up?"I shrugged and sat on a free seat, pulling out a smoke.

"He's my co-worker's best friend. We met at my party last week." Josh was digging through one of the compartments. With a triumphant cry, he stood up and handed a box to Blonde Chick.

"How about we celebrate a great find, huh?" He grinned as she pulled out a small syringe. The box was passed around the group until it reached me.

"You use, Matty?" I looked up at Mohawk Guy and nodded.

"Yeah...but I only smoke. I've never shot up before."

_Mostly because if Mello found out I was using Heroin, he'd kill me._

"Well, you're in for a good time then," Josh walked up to me and winked, "it's not everyday you're offered this stuff for free." I nodded and looked down at the needle in my hand. One part of me was itching to try it. Achieve an all new high. The other kept picturing Mello's disappointed face face and wanted to throw the chance away. Stay clean to keep Mello happy.

Can you guess what part of me won?

* * *

I sank into the front seat of my car, still a little bit wasted. After we shot up the booze started flowing and, well, I let loose. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't half as drunk as I usually get and I remember all of it. Even the part where Mohawk dude fell into the lake. I light my cigarette and started my car, but was stopped when Josh knocked on my window.

"Hey, thanks for coming out today, you're a fun dude!" I smiled and rubbed the back of my head.

"Sure thing. It was fun."

"I'm throwing a Halloween party at my house on the 31st. You gonna be there?"

"Why not?" I mean, I'm already acting social. It wouldn't hurt to go to a party.

"Great! I'll see you then. Maybe Mello will make it this time, huh?" Josh winked and a left with a wave. I let a simile crawl across my face at the obvious flirting.

_Maybe this could work. He's not that bad of a guy. Plus, it's been awhile since I've actually dated anyone. This could be fun. _

The drive home was uneventful. I broke the speed limit and swerved through traffic avoiding places I knew cops frequented. I did stop by the shop to check up on Bear (because I love the damn mutt) and to pick up my schedule for the next week. gary wasn't there, so I had to play Get-what-I-want-from-Missa-without-offering-her-se x which is the worst game _ever_. Really, the entire time I was thinking about getting on my Xbox and playing Halo with Rasiaa, this badass gamer on Xbox Live.

But, by the time I actually made it to my apartment, I was thoroughly exhausted. I walked into my kitchen, made a sandwich (which I inhaled), and plopped on my bed intent on passing out. Just as I felt sleep starting to fog my mind, the front door opened. I thought it Shit Uncle, so I rolled over and closed my eyes.

"Do you always leave the front door unlocked?" I groaned and covered my face with my pillow.

"Come one Matty," Mello sat down on the bed, "It's not even that late." His voice was mocking, as I usually stay up all night. When I didn't respond, he sat on me.

"Maaaaaatt!" He huffed and stood up. For a second, I thought I had won. Then I went flying through the air as Mello ripped the sheets out from beneath me, pulling me to the floor.

"Jesus fuck Mells! What the hell?" He smirked and sat down beside me.

"I want attention." I looked at him like he was crazy, which only made his smirk grow. I then slowly pulled myself up beside him.

"Well then, how was your day?" Only Mello could manage to piss me off then gain my forgiveness seconds later. Only Mello. He laughed and threw his arm around my shoulders.

"It was normal. What a dumb question to ask." I frowned again, pissed off once more.

"I'm playing, Matt calm down. You know...wait," his eyes narrowed, "have you been drinking?" I lowered my head.

"A little."

"When?"

"When we were out on the lake."

"Did you do anything else?"

_Only Heroin. _

"No."

"Did you drive home?" I hesitated.

"..Yes..."

"Do I need to tell you how stupid that was?" I looked at him shocked. By this time, he was usually flipping a bitch about all the stupid choices I make.

"No...I wasn't even that drunk." He gave me a long pointed look, then sighed.

"Alright, Matty." We sat in silence, the sound of the clock from the _living room_ filled the emptiness.

"Mells?" He hummed in response fiddling with his leather bracelet.

"Thank you." He raised an eyebrow.

"For?"

"For always being there for me. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah...sure. What are best friends for right? Besides," he got that look again, like he wanted to tell me something, "you'd probably kill yourself without me around." I smiled and laid my head in his lap.

"Yeah." We fell silent again, but this was a much more comfortable quiet than before. I was content, sitting there with Mello, his hand absently running through my hair. It was enough to start putting me back to sleep.

"..Matt?" I opened my eyes and was met with his uncertain gaze.

"Yeah Mells?" He opened his mouth, then closed it again. The conflict raging in his eyes rivaled the day he had come out to me (I keep going back to this because it was the only other time I've seen him uncertain about anything...besides math...) and I knew this _something _was really bothering him.

"You know you can tell me anything Mello," my voice was dead serious, unlike the last time I said those words.

"I...well it's just...I-uh...well," He ran a shaky hand through his hair and closed his eyes, "I was wondering how the boating trip went."

_The hell? Well if he doesn't want to talk about it...should I push him? He's really shook up about it. _

"It went alright I guess. Turns out I like driving speed boats. Oh, and Josh invited me to his Halloween party. Wanna go?" I was rambling now, unsure of how to distract him from this _something_ that was bothering him. It seemed to be working...sort of...

"Yeah, why not? As long as you don't take off again." I smiled and shook my head.

"I won't take off if you promise not to ditch me."

* * *

"Why do I have to wear this again?"

"Because," Mello called from inside his closet, "It's halloween and you're supposed to dress as something you're not. That's why I'm in _normal _people clothes." I fiddled with the tie around my neck and looked over myself in the mirror. The full tuxedo looked _strange_ on me. It was all Mello's idea.

"I look ridiculous Mells." He entered the room wearing jeans and a t-shirt and laughed.

"Yeah you do! Now," he clapped me on the back, "Lets go?" I reached for my cigarettes and started towards to door, looking longingly at my goggles. Apparently they 'didn't go with the costume'according to Mello, so I wasn't allowed to bring them. I tried to tell him that he wasn't allowed to bring his chocolate then, but I backed down when he threw me a death glare that screamed "Touch my chocolate, and I'll castrate you."

Definitely _not _ on my bucket list.

I hopped into my car and started it, waiting for Mello get get situated. He immediately turned on the radio and put on some metal song. The drive to Josh's house was short and silent, that _something _seeming to be bothering Mello again. Damn. We jumped out of the car as soon as we got there and strode through the open door. I didn't see Josh anywhere, so I pulled Mello with me to chill by the pool.

"Woah now, when did you start being the leader, huh?" I blushed and turned away.

"I didn't want you to wander off again. Last time was awful," I mumbled out and pulled my hand away from his. He laughed.

"I told you I wouldn't this time, remember? Jesus Matt." His smile softened at my glare, and that look crawled it's way onto his face again.

"What's bothering you?" He shook his head slowly and raised his (non-alcoholic) drink to his lips.

"It's...nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Why?" His head snapped up and he frowned.

"Because I said so? It's no big deal, really."

"It's a big deal if it's bothering you Mells. You can talk to me." His face fell for a second, then his eyes filled with determination.

"Matt I-"

"Hey guys! Glad you could make it!"Josh walked over and threw his arm around my shoulders, grinning. Mello's eyes narrowed and he returned to his drink.

"Can I borrow Matt for a minute? I won't be long," he finished with a wink and pulled me away from Mello before either of us could protest. He led me into the house and up the stairs. We turned down a random hallway and entered one of the rooms. I guessed it was his, by all the posters on the wall.

"Uh, nice room." I suddenly felt very awkward and a little ticked off.

_Mello was just about to tell what was wrong you ass._

"You like it? I think it's pretty lame. Unlike you..." I slowly turned to him.

"Thanks?" He smiled and moved to sit in front of the window, patting the place beside him. I could see Mello sulking by the pool.

"So, I wanted to ask you something," Josh started, "you're a pretty cool guy and, well, I want to take you on a date..." I blinked.

"I mean, if that's weird let me know. I just figured with you being bi and all-"

"You know about that?" He nodded and rubbed the back of his head.

"Yeah, anyway..." I thought it over in my head. Josh _was _a decent guy and it _had_ been a while. Can you guess what caused my hesitation? Mello. I looked back at the pool then met Josh's gaze.

"Yeah, I'll date you." His face lit up and he grinned, then leaned forward and caught my lips with his.

_Hot damn._

He pulled away and ran a hand through his hair, smiling.

"So my parents don't actaly know about my sexulity so..." he kept rambling, but I was distracted by my phone buzzing.

_Mello:_

_I'm not feeling good, so don't come looking for me. Linda picked me up. _

_Me:_

_You ok? Want me to bring you something?_

_Mello:_

_No. I don't want to interrupt you and Josh. Have fun. _

My stomach sank.

_Of course he saw..._

* * *

**-A/N-**

****IMPORTANT****So, I'm considering changing the title of this story to 'Better Off This Way'..I really want to actually. So don't freak out if you can't find My Cuts Run Deep anymore. Tell your friends. ****IMPORTANT** **

So, is anyone interested in being a super fast beta? I do all my work on Google Docs so you can just edit as I go...or whatever. I'm the type of person who likes to post as soon as I'm done writing. Let me know.

Thanks to all of you who keep reading and sorry it takes me forever to post.

Check out my other story 'What Could Have Been'while you're at it. I'll be updating that one next, though.

**-A/N-**


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